Thursday, May 9, 2024
FUNNY FRIDAY
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G’day Byters and readers.
Given that last week’s Funny Friday theme was food, it is fitting that this week’s theme should be drink. There is also some Jewish humour, just because I love it.
Enjoy.
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SOME HUMOUR:
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A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink. "Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wasn’t going to talk to me for a month.”
Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know... a little peace and quiet?"
"Yeah, but today is the last day...”
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Johnny sits at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig, and menacingly says, “Well thank you! Whatcha gonna to do about it?"
Johnny burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd cry. I can’t stand to see a man crying. What’s your problem?"
"This is the worst day of my life," Johnny says. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the postman, and then my dog bit me. So, I come to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, drop a capsule in, and sit here watching the poison dissolve, and then you show up and drink the whole thing!
But enough about me, how's your day going?”
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Schlemiel: a Yiddish term meaning "inept/incompetent person" or "fool".
Ruthie told Mo:
"You’re a schlemiel! You always were a schlemiel, you always will be a schlemiel! You look, act and dress like a schlemiel! You’ll be a schlemiel until the day you die! And if they ran a competition for schlemiels, you’d take second place as the world’s second biggest schlemiel!"
"Why only second place?" Mo asked.
"Because you’re a schlemiel!”
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(AAA is the American Automobile Association, also the Australian Automobile Association).
"Hi my name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic."
"Sir, this is Triple A, not AA."
"I know, I’m trying to explain why my car is in the lake."
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A homeless man asked me for money I had 20 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it to just go towards crack and alcohol.
So I gave it to the homeless man
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An Englishman is hiking in Scotland and he pauses to drink from a stream. A passing shepherd calls out "Dinnae drink frae that, it's all fulla coo piss an shite!"
The Englishman says to him in a cut-glass accent "I'm terribly sorry, my good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?"
And the shepherd says "I'm terribly sorry sir, I was only asking if you would like to borrow this tin cup and get a proper drink?"
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A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?"
The bartender thinks for a minute and then says "It would have to be something spectacular to take that offer." The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar. He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, who is only 1 foot tall, and beside him a little piano. The piano man starts playing classical music like Beethoven and Chopin.
Once he finishes, the bartender is in utter disbelief. He tells the man "You can have free drinks for the rest of the night, but only if you tell where you got this." The man says "In the alley behind your bar, there is a genie who is granting free wishes to everyone who wants them." Elated, the bartender heads behind his bar to see if it was true.
A few minutes passed and out of the alleyway erupts a cacophony of quacking. The bartender rushes back into the bar and shuts his door against a wave of thousands of ducks. He manages to secure the door and says to the man "I think that the genie is hard of hearing, because after I asked for a million bucks, these ducks appeared by the thousands."
The man says "Did you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?"
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Woman:
Do you drink beer?
Man:
Yes
Woman:
How many beers a day?
Man:
Usually about 3
Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?
Man:
$5.00 which includes a tip
Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?
Man:
About 20 years, I suppose
Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending
each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400
…correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man:
Do you drink beer?
Woman:
No
Man:
What color is your Ferrari?
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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
A young girl, imprudent and errant,
Did things that more cautious girls daren't.
She hoped and expected
To go undetected,
But is slowly becoming ap-parent.
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GALLERY:
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CORN CORNER:
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My wife says I get mean when I drink whiskey. Now I drink Canadian whiskey.
I am still mean but I am sorry, too.
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Did you hear about the new drink called "Karen"?
It's an aged, white wine.
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Alabama changed the drinking age to 34
They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
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My wife and I did the Jewish divorce custom where we took a broken glass and we put it back together.
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I was arguing with a guy today who said he was a big pop star in the 80's.
I didn't believe him, but he was adamant.
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Wednesday, May 8, 2024
PHOTOGRAPHS
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Historical Photographs of the Old Wild West
Photographs and text from:
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Chinese Labourers.
The idea of foreigners taking local jobs is not isolated to the United States nor modern times. Long before the working class of the U.S. blamed Mexicans for taking their jobs, it was the Chinese. Immigrants from China worked for less than their American counterparts, $1.00 a day instead of $2.50. They also required less of their employers. They moved and managed their own labor camps, unlike the white laborers who demanded help.
By the way (my comment):
Is that Kwai Chang Caine from the 70's TV series Kung Fu either on right or second from left?
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True Cowboys.
These true cowboys of the Wild West are not what one tends to imagine. They were hardworking laborers, who wrangled cows on horseback. Life was simple, dirty, and happy for most of them. The guns they carried were more a matter of fashion than protection from outlaws; good for putting down a sick animal or fighting off a wild one.
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Terry’s Texas Rangers.
Assembled in 1861, by Colonel Benjamin Franklin Terry for the Confederate Army, the 8th Texas Cavalry was a fierce regiment of fighters. Folks called them Terry’s Texas Rangers for short. In their four years together, they fought in 275 engagements over seven states. In 1865, they surrendered with the Tennessee Army.
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General Custer.
Born George Armstrong Custer, on December 5, 1839, Custer made his way up the ranks of the U.S. Army during the Civil War and the Indian Wars. He graduated from West Point in 1857 but at the bottom of his class. That might be why lost the Battle of Little Bighorn against a fierce Lakota-Cheyenne coalition.
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Belle Star.
Starr was another female outlaw in the Wild West. She was born on February 5, 1848, named Myra Maybelle Shirley Reed Starr, but better known as Belle Star. An outlaw, yes, but she was also a lady, She rode sidesaddle because that’s how ladies rode a horse, but she still carried two pistols at all times. Star was a horse thief or that’s what they were able to pin on her. She died of a gunshot wound in 1899, the source of which remains a mystery.
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Sierra Nevada Mountain Trail.
Crossing the fields of the Midwest were not so bad, save crossing rivers and dealing with bandits. It was the trek over the Sierra Nevada Mountains that proved challenging. It was dangerous. Wealthy travellers hired armed men to keep them safe on the dangerous trails. Nobody, however, could keep travellers safe from rock slides.
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Kit Carson.
Born in 1809, Christopher Houston Carson was a frontiersman, a mountain man, and a trapper, who was key to the development of California later in life. People knew him as Kit Carson. He spent a good deal of time with Native people during his life. Carson married three times in his life, twice to Native American women. The third woman was a Mexican.
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Pearl Hart.
Born Pearl Taylor, Hart was a Canadian-born outlaw who made a name robbing stagecoaches. She was also one of the few female outlaws of the Wild West. Inspired by Buffalo Bill’s Wild West Show, Hart left her husband at age 22 to chase the Wild West. He found her and talked her into coming home, but she left him again, then robbed a stagecoach on a whim in Arizona. That started a string of robberies, which caught up to her that same year. They arrested her, and despite a brief escape, she spent three years on a five-year sentence.
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Bloody Bill.
His parents didn’t name him that. When they had him in 1840, they called him William T. Anderson. Bill, as he preferred, worked on the Confederate side of the Civil War. He was a leader of the Quantrill’s Raiders, a band of guerrillas who went rotten. His band targeted Union loyalists in Missouri and Kansas. In September 1864, in Centralia, Missouri, Bill’s band killed some 124 Union soldiers in an attack. A month later, at age 24, Bill died in battle. Someone snapped this image several hours after he passed.
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Rufus Buck Gang.
A unique gang of outlaws, the Rufus Buck Gang was a collection of black and Creek Indian men. They were not a group of misunderstood outlaws. These were bad men. Operating in the Arkansas-Oklahoma area from 1895 to 1896, history remembers them for robbery, murder, and rape. No surprise, when the law finally caught up with the Gang, the people hung them.
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Mining Money. Montana—1889.
The story of mining hasn’t changed much in the last 200 years. It was dirty work, where owners made bank, and laborers made decent wages, but at a cost. The dangers associated with mining were high. If it wasn’t collapsed mines, it was noxious gases, inhaled crud or the constant pain from working in a hunched over position.
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Wild Western Man.
This image appeared in a Kansas City newspaper. What’s interesting about the image is how it captures the traditional clothing worn by cowboys. Large brimmed hats, in this case, a Mexican sombrero-style hat, were less about fashion and more about function. The brim kept the oppressive sun off the body, enough to keep a cowboy from overheating.
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19th Century Move.
Making the move west started long before humans Paved Route 66 to Hollywood. In the 19th century, however, it was a more treacherous journey. This is a couple taking a break in Kansas en route to the fancy Wild West. What would possess someone to brave the elements, wild animals, and nut jobs on the route is beyond this writer.
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More to come.
Tuesday, May 7, 2024
FROM THE VAULT
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Worth reposting.
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From Bytes
Thursday, July 4, 2019
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The Newsroom: 'America is not the greatest country in the world anymore' speech, Jeff Daniels
The Newsroom is a TV series that only went for 25 episodes from 2012 to 2014. Principally written by Aaron Sorkin, who created The West Wing, it depicts events at a cable news channel with Jeff Daniels as anchor. If you only know Daniels from Dumb and Dumber or Speed, click on the following link for a speech about the US, well worth a look -
Following is a transcript of the above speech:
Will:
It's not the greatest country in the world, professor, that's my answer.
Moderator:
[pause] You're saying—
Will:
Yes.
Moderator:
Let's talk about—
Will:
Fine. [to the liberal panelist] Sharon, the NEA is a loser. Yeah, it accounts for a penny out of our paychecks, but he [gesturing to the conservative panelist] gets to hit you with it anytime he wants. It doesn't cost money, it costs votes. It costs airtime and column inches. You know why people don't like liberals? Because they lose. If liberals are so fuckin' smart, how come they lose so GODDAM ALWAYS!
And [to the conservative panelist] with a straight face, you're going to tell students that America's so starspangled awesome that we're the only ones in the world who have freedom? Canada has freedom, Japan has freedom, the UK, France, Italy, Germany, Spain, Australia, Belgium has freedom. Two hundred seven sovereign states in the world, like 180 of them have freedom.
And you—sorority girl—yeah—just in case you accidentally wander into a voting booth one day, there are some things you should know, and one of them is that there is absolutely no evidence to support the statement that we're the greatest country in the world. We're seventh in literacy, twenty-seventh in math, twenty-second in science, forty-ninth in life expectancy, 178th in infant mortality, third in median household income, number four in labor force, and number four in exports. We lead the world in only three categories: number of incarcerated citizens per capita, number of adults who believe angels are real, and defense spending, where we spend more than the next twenty-six countries combined, twenty-five of whom are allies. None of this is the fault of a 20-year-old college student, but you, nonetheless, are without a doubt, a member of the WORST-period-GENERATION-period-EVER-period, so when you ask what makes us the greatest country in the world, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about?! Yosemite?!!!
We sure used to be. We stood up for what was right! We fought for moral reasons, we passed and struck down laws for moral reasons. We waged wars on poverty, not poor people. We sacrificed, we cared about our neighbors, we put our money where our mouths were, and we never beat our chest. We built great big things, made ungodly technological advances, explored the universe, cured diseases, and cultivated the world's greatest artists and the world's greatest economy. We reached for the stars, and we acted like men. We aspired to intelligence; we didn't belittle it; it didn't make us feel inferior. We didn't identify ourselves by who we voted for in the last election, and we didn't scare so easy. And we were able to be all these things and do all these things because we were informed. By great men, men who were revered. The first step in solving any problem is recognizing there is one—America is not the greatest country in the world anymore.
Will:
[to moderator] Enough?
Monday, May 6, 2024
PHOTOGRAPHS
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There is a website called Agora which posts free to use photographs. Click on the following link to visit:
In 2020 they featured a competition for the best architectural photographs. Here are some, with comments by the photographers for some of pics . . .
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Golden Bridge
Location: Danang, Vietnam
"The Golden Bridge has been built at around 1,400 meters above sea level. It is divided into eight spans (the longest one is equal to 20m), with a total length of 148,6 meters. This impressive architecture work has the peculiarity of being held by two giant concrete hands, representing the Mountain God’s hands."
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Clifton Suspension Bridge
Location: Bristol, UK
"Once or twice a year the weather conditions produce this amazing scene of the fog passing under the suspension bridge. I've lived next to this bridge for 2 years but I never managed to capture the image. Within a month from moving house, and living over an hour away the conditions looked to align. So I travelled down 3 days in a row and on the final day managed to get it!"
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Petare
Location: Petare, Caracas, Venezuela
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Castlemania
Location: Eltz Castle, Mayen-Koblenz, Germany
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The Vessel
Location: New York City, USA
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Matsumoto Castle
Location: Matsumoto, Japan
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Water
Location: Singapore Changi Airport
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A Cold Winter Day
Location: Neuschwanstein Castle, Schwangau, Germany
"My hands were frozen because of the freezing wind, but it was all worth seeing such an epic sunset. The architecture of this castle is stunning, it reminded me of my childhood and Walt Disney. There were a lot of kids when I visited, I still remember the expression of surprise on their faces observing this beautiful castle."
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Running Under the Storto
Location: Milan, Italy
"This is the Generali building in Milan, called "lo storto" for its shape. I wanted to underline the integration between the new architecture of my city and the respect of the environment with this runner passing by. It was difficult to choose the perfect point of view and the right storytelling."
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Bottle Opener and the Needle
Location: Shanghai, China
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Light Through the Dragon’s Gate
Location: Hong Kong
"These quirky cut-outs have long been rumoured to exist for purposes of Feng Shui, an ancient Chinese system of summoning happiness and fortune through an individual's surroundings. Such holes, it is said, act as gateways for "spirit dragons" that reside in the hills behind the towers -- blocking the dragons' path to the water could bring misfortune to local residents. At this time of day, the light was perfect as the sun sets - the key emotion I was looking to evoke is curiosity and wonder at the uniqueness of Hong Kong building structures."
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Flat Iron Building
Location: New York City, USA
"I wanted to enhance the special architecture of the Flat Iron building by using a wide-angle lens and a very low perspective, using the inbuilt distortion when tilting the camera down. Laying flat on the pavement in the busy NYC streets was very stressful, so when I started moving around, I had forgotten to close my camera bag and my 70-200 mm fell on the ground. This picture cost me about 1,200$ for the repair on a lens I didn’t even use!"
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Fort Alexander 1
Location: Kronstadt, Saint Petersburg, Russia
"Fort Alexander 1 is a naval fortress on an artificial island located in the Gulf of Finland, near St. Petersburg and Kronstadt. From 1899 to 1917, the fort housed a research laboratory on plague and other bacterial diseases. By 1983, the fort was stripped of its fixtures and abandoned. In the late 1990s and early 2000s, Fort Alexander was a popular location for rave parties."
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Lonely House
Location: Crimea, Russia
"I wanted to convey the peace of being in such a secluded place in solitude. In the current bustling rhythm of life, it is sometimes important to spend time in silence, disconnecting from gadgets and social networks. On the day I took this photo, I found out that I would finally become a dad!"
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Windows
Location: Singapore
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More to come.
Sunday, May 5, 2024
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